1998 - 1:15am
You're not easy to forget. It's been so long since we've spoken that I imagine that you are dead. I still dream of the eclipse, or the rose and the kiss that turned up on my windshield when
I thought that I had lost you, forever.
who knocks on my door, isn't it? When I open it, and the steps are bare,
still I'm reminded of the little things. So it has to be you. Like the
time you asked me to dance and I was too damned shy. I wish now that
I'd taken you up on that. If I were made the offer again, I'd surely
not turn it down. I'll even dance with you right now if you want. I'll
close my eyes so you won't have to be afraid anymore. You can stand
right here in front of me, and I promise not to open my eyes until you're
I was staring into the mirror and I was horrified at what looked back
at me. I had to struggle to keep my eyes open. Have you ever spoken
to someone that makes you feel so damned uncomfortable that you have a hard
time looking at them? And so, you pretend to be looking at your hands, or
your watch, anything, and all the while you're hoping for a car wreck,
or a nuclear bomb to explode right outside the window so that you have a
reason to look away for good? What do you suppose it means when you
can't even look at yourself?
of looks, the other day I was driving, and I had this really strange
expression on my face. Some girl was out cruising, and she pulled up
next to me, and she was looking at me all kind of funny, and I think I was
making her laugh. I had this grin on my face even though I was all alone.
I was smiling because I could swear you were playing with my collar
and it tickled. I loved it when you did that. You should do that more
often. Was that you?
getting colder and colder outside. The leaves on the trees are changing
colors. You should see them, they're beautiful. There's shades of green,
violet, lots of bright yellow, and the darkest of oranges. It's been
sunny these last few days, but it feels very strange. Because all through
the Summer I got used to the fact that when I saw the sun I could just
run outside in a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt. With winter almost
here, I keep forgetting to put on warmer clothes. I keep making it all
the way out to my car and having to come all the way back in to change
was wrong. The pain hasn't gone away. So, what do you think it's going
to take? I've tried everything I can think of and nothing seems to work.
It's hard to keep moving forward when everything worthwhile is always
one step behind me.
thinking about the first time we met and have been meaning to ask you
something. What were you thinking about? I knew I was in love with you
right from the start. I watched you all the
time. Maybe I'd just peek out of the corner of my eye when you walked
by, but I was always watching and dreaming of you. Did you feel like
Do you want to know
something else? Remember the night of the big blizzard? Remember when work
was over, and everyone ran out to the parking lot to go home, and there
was at least two feet of snow and ice everywhere? And wherever you looked,
you could see people chipping away at their windows with their ice scrapers,
and wearing their mittens, and their scarves were wrapped completely
around their heads? Every car was buried except for yours. It was sparkling
and clean. Well, that was me!
Surprise! And you didn't even know my name.
I still see you out of the corner of my eye, and it often feels like
that first day we met. Maybe one day we could start over like that.
Maybe there'll be a time and a place for that someday. I think that's
what heaven's for: second chances.
time you come around, let me know, because I'll make sure there's still
a dry spot for you in the driveway, and I'll make you a special dinner.
You won't have to do a thing. I'll even clean up the mess. And we'll
talk about old times and have a few laughs.
Well, I have
to go to sleep now. It's past midnight, and it's your birthday, so it's
gonna' be a big day tomorrow. It was nice talking to you again. Oh yeah,
and tonight when I'm sleeping, I won't mind if you decide to snuggle
up next to me, even if you're not there when I wake up.